I was talking to my brother today about classes I should take for next semester. I usually only call him about school stuff but he usually takes these opportunities to tell me stuff about his relationship.

He goes, "so what do you think about proposing?"

I shouldn't be shocked but I was. I almost started laughing. I know he's been thinking about this for awhile but I never thought he would actually be serious about it especially with all the animosity coming from my parents. I tried to talk him out of it, basically repeating my parents' sentiments - how he should finish school first, how he's still young, how things can be different when they are actually together together in the same place at the same time. Of course he has a counterargument for all this skepticism because it's not the first time these things have been brought up; it's been there since the beginning. There's no way to talk him out of anything because he has made up his mind and he's not going to let anyone's opinion persuade him out of it. That's how stubborn he can be sometimes. The only advice he was seeking was whether or not he should tell my parents before or after the fact.

I don't know. I just don't know how I feel about it. It's not that I don't like his girlfriend (though I did get a little pissed off at them when we were in HK) but I just don't like the whole idea of marrying your first girl/boyfriend. I also think that no matter how strongly he feels about his relationship, he will be hesitant because he wants to maintain a good relationship with my parents and he can't do it without their approval, which will be almost impossible to get at this point. 

At the same time, I feel bad. I feel like I should be supportive of his decision because the many times that I've talked to him about this, he has proved to be sensible throughout. He has put a LOT of thought into this. He has thought about all the options and possibilities and has tried to be very objective about it. But sometimes, I think this whole situation has been too much about logic and reason? I mean, isn't marriage about love and emotion? Why hasn't it felt like that at all? Every time we get on this topic, it's always about the economics and the fate of their future careers.

Then I started questioning him about school because that's everyone's main concern - as long as he gets his PhD, they won't give a shit about what he does. And I think if he doesn't, they are going to put all the blame on his girlfriend (which is probably really unfair). Then he says, "that's another thing, I don't think I'm going to graduate." Then things start to reveal itself.

He hates it. He's really unhappy. He's not doing well. His research is not going anywhere but he's in it too deep to change it and he's not motivated enough to fix it. He thinks his boss is going to fire him if he doesn't step up his game. And he's felt like this for the past 2-3 years. 

Then I was speechless. There's really nothing much you can say to anyone except "no matter what, do what makes you happy." That's so much easier said than done. How the hell are you suppose to do what makes you happy when the very thing that you've dedicated so much of your life to is making your life miserable? What alternatives are there? You've already made your decision that this is going to be your life a long time ago and you're now in your mid-20s and you just realized you have made a wrong turn. Not everyone has the guts to just drop everything and start anew. That's only an option for people who have confidence in their versatility. Not everyone can adjust to new environments like that. Especially not when you are this far. You feel as if all hopes are gone and your supposed talent is no longer your talent.

That really sucks. Talking to him only makes me so much more nervous about my life. I think I would say I'm not as fucked only because I'm still young and I'm not as zealous about school as he was - which might sound like a bad thing but I've learned to notice its benefits. I still need to do a lot of self-discovery in the next few years. I just need to grow up a bit and do something with myself. Stop being scared about what you can't do and start being confident about what you CAN do. I'm still not sure what that is but I need to find out soon.

As much as I love coming back here, things just aren't the same. It seems like each time I come back, things get worse and worse. Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying myself... but it's never like anything I expected. I don't get to see my cousins all the time because either there are family issues or they have school. I don't really have any peace time because Hong Kong people are just always on the go (and I've gotten too American for that kind of lifestyle). Maybe I'm just expecting too much out of this place. Or I've changed too much for this place. Shopping is great but I can't do this all day everyday. Eating is awesome but a person can only eat so much. And family is well... different. 

I don't know. I don't think I can come back here for a good while. Too much city for me. I'm already starting to get homesick and I've only been here for a week; still another week to go. I miss my mommy and daddy and all my friendsy. 

i don't care who i'm marrying, i'm gonna make this our song and dance like them too.

i only have one thing on my christmas wishlist this year: a place to stay for the spring semester at berkeley.

i am in no mood for bad news right now. and i can't focus on this dumb paper with berkeley housing being the biggest bitch ever. their email responses are a joke. i even called them today just to ask them what number am i on the waitlist and the lady fed me the whole "you could be number 60 but we don't know if any spring admits will cancel their applications so you could be number 30" bullshit. okay thanks for the help.

i'm so happy everyone is home. i haven't laughed so hard in so long. i think my mom was even ecstatic that i was sleeping over at kristina's because i haven't socialized in forever. pretty sure the people at Shari's hate us now.

also got my first lappie toppie. :) sony vaio vgn-fw510. i just realized that everything in this living room right now is operated on sony systems.

DIRTY FUCKING PROJECTORS
They are so amazing. Words cannot fathom how wonderful the whole experience was. Dave Longstreth is a genius and I am so mesmerized by Amber Coffman and Angel Deradoorian's angelic (for the lack of better words) voices.

Experienced a huge panic attack today when I tried to do the Mathematics Diagnostic Test on the Berkeley website and stumbled on the first question because I forgot how to multiply fractions.

What I learned today:
Google is my best friend.
I'm going to be beyond fucked when I take calculus again (for like what, the third time?).


Anyway, I've been spending wayyy too much time on planning my schedule for next semester. It's sooo perfect, with exam groups spaced evenly apart. Let's hope that the classes won't fill up too fast.

Two words to describe all the feelings and emotions I'm going through right now: irrational anger.

I've been fucking everything up lately. My head is a mess and I'm an emotional wreck. Everything is now fucked up and it's all my fault. I am so upset with myself.

I don't think I've ever felt so human in my life before. I know what Summer feels like now. So thank you Alaska for whatever you did to me. I owe you one.