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04 August 2010 @ 01:56 am
it's been awhile  
I was talking to my brother today about classes I should take for next semester. I usually only call him about school stuff but he usually takes these opportunities to tell me stuff about his relationship.

He goes, "so what do you think about proposing?"

I shouldn't be shocked but I was. I almost started laughing. I know he's been thinking about this for awhile but I never thought he would actually be serious about it especially with all the animosity coming from my parents. I tried to talk him out of it, basically repeating my parents' sentiments - how he should finish school first, how he's still young, how things can be different when they are actually together together in the same place at the same time. Of course he has a counterargument for all this skepticism because it's not the first time these things have been brought up; it's been there since the beginning. There's no way to talk him out of anything because he has made up his mind and he's not going to let anyone's opinion persuade him out of it. That's how stubborn he can be sometimes. The only advice he was seeking was whether or not he should tell my parents before or after the fact.

I don't know. I just don't know how I feel about it. It's not that I don't like his girlfriend (though I did get a little pissed off at them when we were in HK) but I just don't like the whole idea of marrying your first girl/boyfriend. I also think that no matter how strongly he feels about his relationship, he will be hesitant because he wants to maintain a good relationship with my parents and he can't do it without their approval, which will be almost impossible to get at this point. 

At the same time, I feel bad. I feel like I should be supportive of his decision because the many times that I've talked to him about this, he has proved to be sensible throughout. He has put a LOT of thought into this. He has thought about all the options and possibilities and has tried to be very objective about it. But sometimes, I think this whole situation has been too much about logic and reason? I mean, isn't marriage about love and emotion? Why hasn't it felt like that at all? Every time we get on this topic, it's always about the economics and the fate of their future careers.

Then I started questioning him about school because that's everyone's main concern - as long as he gets his PhD, they won't give a shit about what he does. And I think if he doesn't, they are going to put all the blame on his girlfriend (which is probably really unfair). Then he says, "that's another thing, I don't think I'm going to graduate." Then things start to reveal itself.

He hates it. He's really unhappy. He's not doing well. His research is not going anywhere but he's in it too deep to change it and he's not motivated enough to fix it. He thinks his boss is going to fire him if he doesn't step up his game. And he's felt like this for the past 2-3 years. 

Then I was speechless. There's really nothing much you can say to anyone except "no matter what, do what makes you happy." That's so much easier said than done. How the hell are you suppose to do what makes you happy when the very thing that you've dedicated so much of your life to is making your life miserable? What alternatives are there? You've already made your decision that this is going to be your life a long time ago and you're now in your mid-20s and you just realized you have made a wrong turn. Not everyone has the guts to just drop everything and start anew. That's only an option for people who have confidence in their versatility. Not everyone can adjust to new environments like that. Especially not when you are this far. You feel as if all hopes are gone and your supposed talent is no longer your talent.

That really sucks. Talking to him only makes me so much more nervous about my life. I think I would say I'm not as fucked only because I'm still young and I'm not as zealous about school as he was - which might sound like a bad thing but I've learned to notice its benefits. I still need to do a lot of self-discovery in the next few years. I just need to grow up a bit and do something with myself. Stop being scared about what you can't do and start being confident about what you CAN do. I'm still not sure what that is but I need to find out soon.
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
victoria: hachi knifekandi_heartz on August 4th, 2010 08:03 pm (UTC)
Damn, that sounds so shitty. I gotta say though, from what you've got here, it doesn't sound like marriage would be the best thing to put into his life right now. He's gonna drop out of school, get fired, he's unmotivated, and he's just not happy with what he's doing. It just seems really unstable to me. Although if he's got his masters, I guess he's still fine, he just needs to find some other job. Still, first breaking this to the family is not going to go well, if your family is anything like my family. Mine would start giving you so much crap about waste of time and money, blah blah blah. And it's like you said, if he doesn't finish school and then says he wants to marry her, I can see a lot of the blame shifting onto her. Do they live together at all?

I have no idea why your family doesn't like her but my suggestion would be for him to figure out the school/work/life stuff and if he wants to propose, maybe do like a quiet, long-term engagement without any actual marriage plans for a while and then tell your parents later. It puts a gap between the two issues and would possibly expose him a bit more to what their married life might end up being like. Or something like that... iuno, I just don't think that dropping these two things together is a good idea at all.
mélaniechuulip on August 5th, 2010 07:53 am (UTC)
the thing is... it's a total long distance relationship and it has been that way since day 1, which adds to everyone's skepticism to the whole thing. i don't want to be cynical and doubt his feelings for her because i know how annoying and difficult it is to prove your love for someone to people that don't understand it.

i think part of the reason why i'm not totally for it is because i feel like he's choosing to be with her instead of us. he spends more time with her than he spends time with us in the past few years. he uses all his free time and money to go back and forth to hong kong just to be with her for a month. now i understand that he's grown up now and he should be allowed to do whatever he wants... but i guess i feel neglected?

it's such a weird situation and i don't know what to tell him every time he talks to me about it because i don't know how i personally feel about it.
victoria: little kyouya orangekandi_heartz on August 5th, 2010 07:37 pm (UTC)
how long have they been together? is a month at a time the most he's ever spent with her physically? and if they do get married, would he plan on moving to hk or would she come to the states? if they're going to be willing to life up their entire lives and move out for marriage, they might as well give it a try beforehand just to see what living together is actually going to be like first. yes, it's true, they may be totally in love in a long distance relationship but that can change soooooo much after you've lived with them for a year and you realize all the habits and things about them that can hide from a phone or a screen.

how often was he home before he got with her? i guess i can't really relate to that issue all that much. the only thing you can really do is just tell him that you feel neglected and would appreciate it if he made the effort to talk/spend time with you like he does with her.

just keep talking to him. like, let him know all the reservations you have about this whole issue but that if he really wants to go for it, you'll try to support him (err...if you want, that is).
amandnyrek on November 1st, 2011 07:32 am (UTC)
Great, I never knew this, thanks.